For as long as it took me to finally get through Low-Demand Parenting, I have been reading and re-reading, highlighting and working through it this month.

And wow!

Out of the ridiculous dozen or so parenting classes we’d taken, few have had the insight to consider what’s going on with me as the messy human parent that’s impacting the situation and my child’s behavior.

And of the ones that have, none has given such a thorough approach to break down and analyze exactly what’s going on before jumping to solutions.

In a way, it reminds me a lot of what I learned in my training as a behavior tech for ABA therapy (I’m spending a lot of time observing my child’s behavior and trying to understand the antecedents while being mindful of the consequences), only this is looking not just at the child but at all of the players and how we’re impacting each other and getting our needs met — in appropriate, and not so appropriate ways.

This is so powerful!

I keep flipping between my hot pink highlights in Chapters 4 and 5 as I work through the process as each new situation arises in our home.

But to make it easier for all of us to work through this, (and thus be more likely that we’ll stick with it, I decided to turn it into a step-by-step checklist.

Even if you, ya know, “didn’t read the book.”

I’ll include that for all the monthly and annual NeuroMom Nest Members at the end of this post for you to download and print.

But first, I wanted to share what the process has looked like for one set of demands and expectations I looked at.

Real Life Low-Demand Parenting Example

The situation was this: I was going to read aloud to my two children the book that we’ve been reading together for a while. They were both on the small sofa in my office, and one child was overtaking most of the space, making it hard for their sibling to sit or be comfortable. I felt frustrated and tried to force them to share equally and (not surprisingly) got resistance and anger from my PDAer instead.

Once everyone was calm and safe, I was able to take a second look at the scenario and see how I might’ve responded differently, and more successfully to help us all get our needs met, using the Low-Demand approach.

I’m still a total newbie at this, but here’s what that looked like…

Step 1: Put words to the demand(s)

Turns out, there were many micro-demands nested within that one request to share the couch:

• Stop reading your own book – right now

• Share the couch equally with your sibling

• (Right now)

• Then I’ll read Journey to the Center of the Earth aloud (children will listen to spoken words)

• It had a scary part with monsters fighting last night

• Sit quietly without interrupting

• Then, you will go potty and go to bed (by yourself)

This alone helped me realize that the resistance I was getting might’ve been due to fear of the scary part of the story and/or the fact that bedtime was coming up next.

Step 2: Find out why this matters to you

Discerning your why, why, why…?!

The trick is to look for the one that gives you a visceral, emotional reaction. (I starred that one below.) You can do this for all the micro-demands listed, but I’ll just include one example here:

• I want them to share evenly with their sibling because I worry that their sibling is being short-changed by how much more time and attention the other child demands

• Because that child is easygoing and doesn’t demand to get needs met, but they still have needs

• Because they’re my child and I love them.

• *** Because that child has been depressed before, and I didn’t understand why, it was so scary, and I never want them to go back to that place again

So, what I’m really upset about doesn’t have anything to do with the first child sharing the couch and listening to me read a story — it’s about my worries about an entirely different child! And these are things to process in therapy – not to put on my child to carry.

What is it about this demand that gives me the desired result?

• I want my children to share the sofa (quietly) so that I can enjoy reading to them and connect with them.

• What is it about reading aloud that brings me joy?

  • I get to sit down and they (mostly) hold still

  • I love a good story and reading it aloud helps me experience it even deeper

  • It helps me feel connected to my kids and gives us a shared experience to reference

By dropping this demand, I hope that my child will learn that…

• They are not alone in the world

• While most other people don’t understand how hard it is for them to process auditory language – I actually do. And I have true empathy for their experience, and I honor that challenge rather than try to force them into some “good child” mold

• I love this child right where they’re at right now, with all their strengths and challenges.

• I recognize that they had a long day of school and homework and sitting quietly and following instructions

• They don’t ever need to perform for me or be a certain way to earn my love.

Step 3: Listen to your child

I wonder if…

• You want to stop listening to me read Journey, and I can just read it to your sibling another time

I didn’t get an answer at that time, and I didn’t push. Making space for this child’s needs to be heard and recognized was enough.

Step 4: Work proactively to drop as many demands from Step 1

• Maybe this child doesn’t have to join in the read-aloud at all

• Maybe we could read in a different room with more room for everyone to get the personal space they need

• Or they could be in two different rooms and I can sit in the hallway and read to them

Step 5: Get creative in taking care of your own needs– without asking your child to do anything differently

• I can read a book anytime – even a kids’ book if I want.

• My other child really does like me to read aloud, there’s no reason both kids have to join in

• I can also connect with my other child in ways other than just reading aloud

Is making kids share what “good moms” do? Sure, but is it realistic in my real family? Not at that particular moment. I love that this process helped me find a way for us all to have our needs addressed the next time this comes up, without overly stressing our nervous systems.

The next day, this child looked through the remaining chapters of the book and asked me to help them calculate how many pages were left. Satisfied, they settled down on the couch (both kids sprawled all the way out, cuddled up like sardines in a can) not sharing “equally,” but happy as I read and let them negotiate their own boundaries and comfort. It was a much more peaceful evening than the roaring shouts of the night before, and I was so grateful!

Low-Demand Parenting Checklist

Members of the NeuroMom Nest will find the checklist PDF, incuding the example at the link below. If you’re not a member yet, join now with the monthly or annual (or founding) membership now to get instant access.

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By the time I made it to page 15 of Low-Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman, I wanted to jab the page with my index finger and shout, “This, this is exactly what we’ve been dealing with!”

But of course, this was before I started The NeuroMom Nest, so there was no one to hear and no one to care but the blank white ceiling above my bed where I lay reading.

I’d already been nodding along as this mama shared her children’s difficulties with meltdowns, aggression, property destruction, and more as she tried one failed parenting experiment after another to address their struggles. (All while uncovering her own history of masking and over-functioning as an undiagnosed autistic person.) 

If you’re seeing a lot of: 

>> Screaming
>> Meltdowns
>> Rage
>> Aggression
>> Self-Injury
>> Property Destruction
>> And meals, bedtimes, and transitions that are especially difficult

If you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, trying to avoid their next ‘episode,’ yet there are so many triggers you can’t seem to figure out what is at the root of these challenges. No amount of parenting books or therapists seem to have the answers. 

And yet, deep down, if you know your child is trying their best and simply can’t control their behaviors, then this is what you need to know…  

It’s called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), and it’s a subset of autism that’s “an anxiety-driven need to remain in control.” 

The problem comes when a person with PDA senses that their deep need for control is being threatened, and it triggers a fight or flight response. Their nervous systems believe their lives are in danger (hence the huge behaviors). 

This is not willful disobedience.

You are NOT a parenting failure, and your sweet child is NOT a bad kid.

As I read, I could relate to SO much of what Diekman was talking about. 

In fact, many of the strategies she began using to help her family finally find peace and connection were similar to the ones I’d developed intuitively over the years to support my child. 

But then I stopped reading, because…well, that’s NeuroMom life sometimes. 🤷

In October’s live workshop, as we were diving into strategies for calming meltdowns, this book came up again, and we decided a book club was definitely in order. Throughout Q4, we’ll be hanging out on this topic of challenging behaviors.

Now, in my third attempt to finish the book, I finally have the time and emotional energy to digest all the great resources for parenting kiddos with this special flavor of autism.

While I don’t agree with some of the ideas in the book (Unlimited screen-time? No way!) But, many of them I have used with, especially when things in our home were at their worst, and they were so helpful. 

Now, I can tell you this…

You can learn to parent your child’s unique needs and reduce challenging behaviors using strategies you can feel good about. 

Let me help get you there — faster. 

Introducing…

The first installment of The “Didn’t Read-the-Book” Book Club inside The NeuroMom Nest. 

Here’s how it works.

I know how hard it is to sit down and plod through a whole parenting book, especially when your own nervous system is feeling frayed and flustered from trying to support your child through their most challenging moments. 

So, I’m hosting a 45-minute workshop on Friday, November 8 at 12:30 pm Pacific (3:30 pm Eastern) to help you learn (and implement) the most effective resources from the book.

Every one of our live calls leads you through not what worked for someone else — but instead through uncovering what will work for your family (realistically in your real life). 

We’ll also have weekly discussions about the key concepts inside the private community chat where you can share:

>> What you’re struggling with
>> What you’ve learned
>> And what new strategies you’d like to try next

All inside a safe and cozy group of other mamas who truly understand what you’re going through. ☕

Join The NeuroMom Nest before Friday, November 8th, so you don’t miss out. 

So you can take away new tools that will transform your family — even if you never make it through Chapter 1.

Workshop Zoom Link & Replay

Members of The NeuroMom Nest can access the workshop video and audio replay below.

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If you’re anything like I was…

You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells around your child — which is as messy, painful, and prone to failure as it sounds.

You’ve quit talking to most family and friends about your child’s (ahem) “challenging behavior” because you’re getting tired of the “helpful” suggestions that worked for their friend’s cousin’s daughter (sure signing them up for Tiny Tumblers is going to solve everything).

And the raised eyebrow that says “You must be doing something wrong to allow this kind of behavior in your home.”

They may not say it out loud, but you know they’re thinking it — because it’s the same whirlwind that loops in your brain every day, right before and after:

“I am such a horrible mother.” 🤦🏼‍♀️

But what really keeps you up at night is wondering how much longer you’ll be able to keep this angry little person at home without compromising the safety of the rest of your family.

It’s not like you’re not trying. You must’ve taken 79.2 different parenting classes by now.

But the problem is — they weren’t designed for kids like YOURS!

Here’s the thing...

I don’t have all the answers, and you don’t have all the answers — not yet anyway.

But what I’m willing to bet is you’re doing your best (and so is your NeuroKid).

They just need some extra support to calm and communicate, and you need the right resources to help them do that.

You are the world’s leading expert on your child.

And when you’re presented with a smorgasbord board of simple tools (that actually work for kids like ours) and then tap into your Mama Intuition, I believe you will find the answers.

So that’s exactly what I have for you inside the NeuroMom Nest this month.

In this month’s live workshop, we discussed effective strategies to help calm your child during a meltdown and reduce household stress ASAP.

Not yet a member of The NeuroMom Nest? Click here to subscribe.

When you choose the monthly or annual (or founding) option, the workshop will unlock, along with all the exclusive member resources and community.

If you got the messy version of motherhood, you’ll be very welcome inside our little refuge from the chaos.

Members of the NeuroMom Nest can hit play below to learn:

• What meltdowns really are, and what they tell you about your child 😵

• Why supporting your NeuroKid through a shutdown is just as important as with a meltdown

• The H(HALT)T method to help you identify the source of your kiddo’s turmoil ✋🛑

• …and strategies to help them simmer down even when you can’t figure it out

• 3 Ways to increase your connection to your kiddo & help them communicate their tough emotions and needs appropriately — even in the midst of a meltdown

• And 6 Tips to calm your nervous system, right along with your child’s (especially if you’re feeling challenged by your own neurodivergence or overwhelm, too.) 🕊️

With journaling exercises throughout to help you tap into your mama knowledge and make a plan that will work for your unique child and family.

And I’ll be right there alongside you — cheering you on all the way.

After you watch the replay, hop into the member chat and let us know how it went. What questions do you still have? What can you share that’s worked well for your family?

Let’s do this — together!

Workshop Replay & Resources

Below you’ll find:

• A video replay of the workshop, along with audio

• Access to the slide presentation

• Links, how-to videos, and examples for all the resources mentioned in the training

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Is $11 worth of happiness — enough? 

I’m standing, feet planted in front of my kitchen sink. Hands, following the rhythms of washing: soap, scrub, rinse, dry, repeat. All while gazing at the still life sitting on the well-worn dinner table before me.

On my annual pilgrimage to Target the other day, after spending nearly two hours gathering all the have-to-haves, I dashed over to the home goods section before my little one’s patience completely expired.1 

I had my eye out for a tray for the dining table to corral all the little miscellany that, though needed, clutters the table and my brain as my eye grates across it 103 times a day. I came across a simple wooden disc for $11 and popped it into my cart. 

The rest was gathered from home. 

>> Flowers from my husband’s garden.2

>> A mason jar from the cupboard. 

>> The stack of napkins. 

>> The salt shaker. 

>> A petite pumpkin my daughter brought home from the garden at school.3

All united together on my one little tray instead of in disarray at random points, arms crossed and standoffish, strewn across the table. 

I’ve now spent an inordinate amount of time, or maybe just the right amount, examining the hundreds of curling petals of the dusty pink dahlias all nested perfectly together as I eat dinner.

At the wonder of this little bit of nature and beauty suddenly sharing my space while I do dishes.

And then the next logical sweep of my eyes is to glance up, out at the breathtaking view from the living room windows beyond. 

I used to hate it when visitors would walk in and inevitably exclaim, “You have such a beautiful view!” 

I’d stand there shrugging awkwardly, never sure what to say. 

“Thank you,” didn’t seem right. 

I obviously didn’t have anything to do with creating the perfect pasture, stunning in every season, or the clear blue sky, or the lush hillside pine forest. 

Nor with the grace of my sister and brother-in-law letting us break off this chunk of heaven from their property and plunk our house down.

And little to do with even the blessing of my husband and I being able to earn and save the funds to build the house or of being able to move in a breath before Christmas in 2019 before…everything. 

So I’ve always felt like I should be grateful. 

And I am. 

But then the prison camp voice would bleat at me in the tinny loudspeaker in my head, “But are you thankful, ENOUGH?!”

“Do you enjoy it enough, Shannon?!” 

Did I enjoy the summer that just passed enough, I’d wonder? After all, I barely get outside.

Instead spending my time making words skitter across the screen for my marketing clients in ways AI as yet doesn’t have the finesse to do. Or calling in prescription refills, filling in forms, and sorting out insurance issues.

And I’d often admit to those guests who exclaimed at the view, though hopefully, they didn’t hear that shrill voice, too, that I hardly ever had time to sit down and enjoy it. 

And that is one of the most dramatic shifts I’ve noticed since starting to take antidepressants in July. 

The volume of the constant criticism and self-interrogation has turned way down. 

Now I can stand here washing the meat thermometer and then the cutting board and later the air fryer basket, admiring the view. 

Smile as I hear my youngest giggle as she makes faces at the dog. And enjoy the clockwork dance of our morning routine as I lay out everyone’s meds before breakfast.

And it is enough. 

I don’t have to throw off all the needs of my people and luxuriate on the stoop for hours in the sunshine like our lab does. 

It’s enough to take a breath and soak in the golden autumn rays as I ferry the little ball of fluff I call Baci out onto the grass, her spindly old legs far past being able to make her way up and down the steps.

Or listen to the rustle of the wind in the corn stalks as I gather kale, chard, and collards for the day, picking off the fat green caterpillars.

I don’t feel the crush to hurry up and absorb every drop of this fleeting moment before it disappears because I know that I can love this moment and the next and the next. 

And I don’t have to try to do it more or better or perfect. 

It’s a whole lot quieter in here nowadays. 

Now I can feel in every cell the truth of the quote that sits on my computer backdrop, rather than only knowing it to be true in my brain: 

Because $11 worth is just the right amount of happiness for me. 

Have you ever felt the pressure to enjoy something enough? What small moments of peace and joy are you experiencing in your busy life this season? 

Share your experience in the comments of this post. I can’t wait to hear from you!

Now, here’s what’s coming up inside The NeuroMom Nest.

The NeuroMom Nest is my paid membership here on Substack offering monthly workshops and a supportive community to help moms of neurodivergent children create a balanced, joyful life in small, manageable steps.

Wednesday, September 25, 2024, at 2:30 pm Pacific: Paperwork Power-up Party! 🎉

In tomorrow’s workshop and co-working session, I’ll walk you through exactly how to set up your own master document 📝 with your child’s health, education, and personal info all in one place. 

I’ll give you my plug-n-play template with everything you need to set up your own, and then we’ll work side-by-side to get it all done. 

So you never have to dig out that insurance card, look up the pediatrician’s phone number, or try to calculate what year your kid had their tonsils out – ever again. 💥

Tuesday, October 1, 2024, at 1:00 pm Pacific: Co-Regulation Strategies Workshop + Q&A

Do you have a child (or several) who are struggling with meltdowns and shutdowns? 😵‍💫 Next week, I’ll be sharing my favorite mom-tested ways to support your kiddo AND yourself during the most difficult moments. 

Most of these strategies probably aren’t in any therapy handbook. But they are what I’ve found has helped my little ones while also being realistic for me to implement as a finite human mama who also gets tired and frustrated sometimes. 

We’ll spend the first half hour discussing the strategies, then we’ll take the last 15 minutes where you can ask any questions you have and we’ll use our collective wisdom as a community of NeuroMamas to support one another. 

I hope you’ll be there!

Here’s what you need to know to join us…

If you’re already a member, keep reading to find the Zoom links below along with a link to the Google calendar with all of our upcoming live workshops. 

I’ll post a replay of all of our monthly meetups in case you can’t attend live. Though please know, we’re not afraid of noisy children or messy kitchens.

Come as you are!

And if you haven’t joined yet, you can unlock all of this goodness by subscribing below. 

Once you’re on the subscribe page, select either the Monthly or Annual (or Founding Member) option. It looks like this…

I can’t wait to see you there!

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I’ve been a mom of neurodivergent kiddos for 13 (wild) years now, and it only took me about seven of them to realize this…. 

Funny mistake that most of us mamas make (that no one realizes is a mistake???) 

Starting from scratch EVERY time you have to fill out another dreaded school, doctor, therapy, or insurance form.

It’s not so bad in year one or two, but before you know it, those innocent-looking pieces of paper multiply like fluffy bunnies in springtime…only not as cute.

Then throw in another kid, diagnosis, or both, and your family will be lucky to see you shovel your way out anytime this side of the next century.

We all know that NeuroMom life = ‘Please complete this 486-page form completely with blue or black ink before last Tuesday.’ 

And that’s not going away. 

But the good news is, there is a better (read: faster) way to get it done... 

Create a master document with your child’s health, education, and personal info.

So you never have to dig out that insurance card, look up the pediatrician’s phone number, or try to calculate what year they had their tonsils out — ever again. 💥

Imagine, next time a well-intentioned office worker hands you a stack of Xeroxed sheets covered in blank lines, that you return a genuine smile (not that fake have-to-be-nice-but-you-just-ruined-my-life grimace you usually give her) because you have a secret weapon. 

You, organized supermom that you are, have a manageable system to keep track of all the important information in your NeuroKid’s life. 

And if you’re lucky enough to have had digital files zipped over for your form-filling pleasure, all you’ll have to do is copy and paste. 

You’ve streamlined the process of paperwork, so you can get it done efficiently. Like the Magic Eraser but for stress and overwhelm — BOOM gone!

So you can get back to the really important work of loving your littles.

But I know how busy you are. So busy that even implementing “helpful” time-saving strategies takes too long. 

So, let me help you wipe this clean even faster. 

This month inside the NeuroMom Nest, we’re having a paperwork party. 🥳 (You know you’re a NeuroMom if you actually think that sounds kind of fun.)

Inside, you’ll get a plug-n-play template with everything you need finish your own super-fast master doc to without wasting hours trying to figure out what to put in it.

Plus, I’m breaking it down into six tiny 10-minute mini-missions to help you get it done and ready to reference before that a new ream of forms rolls in.

If you’re already a member, keep reading to access yours below. 

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Welcome to Week #4! You’re almost there, and I bet you’re wondering, what’s next? 

How do you reintroduce screens? 

Maybe it’s asked with a bit of trepidation because you don’t want to go back to how things were before.

I feel exactly the same way! 

Here’s what sealed the deal for me. 

During our Week #5, there was a day in which my daughter was supposed to …

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Welcome to Week #3 of your Skip the Screens Challenge! 

By now, I hope you’re starting to see some results, even if things haven’t gone perfectly. 

As my family has been walking through this process, just a little ahead of you, we haven’t had a flawless performance either. 

As I mentioned in my original screen-free post, my husband for…

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Hello NeuroMama!

Welcome to your child’s first official day without screens! In all your amazing work preparing for this big day, it would be easy to lose sight of one important fact, though... 

A screen-fast isn’t just about taking out screens…

It’s also about what you’re putting back in that makes a big impact, too.

The other week in church, I noticed a young man sitting on the bleacher stairs. He was holding a long plastic tube about a yard long, and it had a red grip fitted to one end that looked like it had come from a bicycle handlebar. And on the more narrow end of the tube was a pen.

While he may not have had the fine motor skills to sit and draw with the typical ballpoint pen, he could use his whole arm to navigate the pen around the page from a distance using his larger muscles instead.

Which he contentedly did through the whole service, making delightful swirls of ink on his notebook, while his caregiver was able to listen to the sermon while keeping a smiling eye on her charge. 

Maybe what was most remarkable, though, was that this boy didn’t have an iPad superglued to his hands and eyeballs.

Screen-free activities will look a little bit different for every neurodivergent child, and that’s ok. 

What’s important is getting creative and finding at least a few things your child can enjoy that don’t include the allure of a glowing screen and buttons to push. 

Before I got trained as a Registered Behavior Tech and started doing ABA with my child, I never knew that the ability to engage in leisure activities is actually a skill. And for many of our NeuroKids, it’s a skill that needs to be intentionally taught. 💡

The good news is, it’s an area that they can grow in.

But here’s the really cool thing…

Every screen-free activity your kids engage in helps to develop new developmental skills in your child. 

Think about it. 

• When coloring an outline of a Minecraft wolf or folding origami, they’re developing their fine motor skills. 

• When pumping their arms and legs on the swings or building a fort, they’re growing their gross motor coordination and muscle strength. 

• When playing with dolls or having a tea party, they’re practicing social skills and emotional regulation.

Those are all crucial opportunities for development that would have been lost if they were replaced by screens. 

In fact, according to the Rest Your Child’s Brain book, screen-time hasn’t been shown to give anything of value back to our kids. 

Instead, it only steals their time, attention, and developmental window to acquire new skills vital to their present and future success.

So, this week, as you start your screen-fast, let’s help our kids engage in activities that give back. 

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Hello NeuroMama! 

Welcome to the challenge. I’m so happy you found your way here. This is, I hope, going to be a pivotal moment in your family’s history.

The one where everything finally clicked into place and peace descended like a dove. 🙃

And if you only see incremental improvements or even none at all, it always feels good to have something new to try…

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